El Huevos Del Diablo

At a picnic one Saturday I ate seven deviled eggs.  That night, my children awoke in the dark, crying in terror at the foul stench their father had unleashed in the room down the hall.

Deadly

Delicious But Dangerous Food Trifecta. Bacon. Ranch Seasoning.  Mayonnaise.

Reborn

And the day Netflix crashed, people staggered from the dim, dank environs of their computer monitors into the bright, fresh air of the living room and once again knew what it was to enjoy the real, vital world of Basic Cable.

Snack in the Night

The pie bandit strikes.  Delicious.  Payback for the garlic bread?  I think so.

Convenience

Tired of all the hassle of getting your morning coffee?  With one sip of our six-hour energy drink, you can have diarrhea and feel anxious and jittery all morning.

Packaging

     If I didn't already know what a tampon is, based on the packaging above, I would think a tampon was a refreshing facial masque, or perhaps some sort of relaxing beverage.
     "Oh my goodness, Helen, this tampon is simply delightful!"

Overheard at Checkout

Bagger: I like your hat.
Old Man: Thanks.  I earned it.
Bagger:  That eagle is really cool.  Were you in the Army?
Old Man: Army!
Bagger: Navy?
Old Man: Navy!!
Bagger: Marines?
Old Man: I was in the Marines.
Bagger:  I knew I was going to get it if I kept going.  The only thing left was the Air Force.
Old Man: Air Force!
Bagger: I got a cousin who's in the Air Force.
Old Man: [silence]
Bagger: You ever kill anybody?
Old Man: [silence] That's kind of a personal question.
Bagger: Oh, I'm sorry.
Old Man: [silence] Well, I'll tell you.  I don't know for sure.  I think so.  A lot of times you never know for sure.  But I think so, yeah.
Bagger: Cool.

Cutting Board

It's not the onions that make me cry, it's the gnawing hole of darkness at the center of my soul.

Yard Work

When the neighborhood lawn service tapes a flyer to your door, it's probably time to cut the grass.

Baseball Season

You know major league baseball will be upon us soon when you start buying peanuts in these amounts.

Snack

There was garlic bread left over from supper.  Now there's none.  Who ate all the damn garlic bread?

I Got Some Pancake Mix!

In addressing a rising internet meme (see the video immediately below) I offer the following recipe, suitable, as usual, for Sunday mornings.  Many thanks to two of my students for the suggestion -- to protect the innocent, let's call one of them "Dragon Fist" and the other "Preston."






"I Got Some Pancake Mix!" Pancake Mix

MIX!
4 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups whole wheat flour
2/3 cup sugar
2 tablespoons baking powder
1 tablespoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt

TO PREPARE PANCAKES!
1 egg
3/4 cup milk

Behold the power of Flapjack Jesus

DIRECTIONS!
In a bowl, sarcastically combine the first six ingredients. Store in a ridiculously airtight container in a cool, dry, and stylish place for up to 6 months, or 180 days, whichever comes first. To prepare pancakes: In a bowl (perhaps the same bowl as before), combine egg and milk. Aggressively whisk in 1 cup of the pancake mix. Pour batter by 1/4 cupfuls onto a lightly greased hot griddle; turn when bubbles form on top of pancakes. Cook until second side is goldeny brown.  Consume.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

A Map of State Movies

From the awesome blog Strange Maps and Frank Jacobs, in anticipation, I suppose, of tomorrow's election, we have a map of the 48 states that suggests which movie should be most strongly identified with which state.  I am pleased to have a strong geographical connection with both Shawshank Redemption (Maine) and Scarface (Florida).

Periodic Table of Super-Powers

From a few months ago, the Periodic Table of Super-Powers, from Comics Alliance.

It Goes To 11 and Has Electrolytes

The hair's getting long and unruly again. My wife came back from the store today having purchased a giant tube of hair gel, and she enjoyed making fun of the label.  We note several features:

• Not satisfied with 10, this gel goes to 11.
• It is activity-proof , which is fortunate, because it is apparently marketed to marathoners, who, as I seem to remember, are somewhat active at times, and, surprisingly, fret the entire race about the state of their hair.
• It's got electrolytes, which hair needs.
• The bubbles in the gel don't move when you shake the container. This is the kind of control I need.
• If you look at the clock in the background of the label, the gel may actually last only nine minutes. Nobody has ever run a marathon in nine minutes, although some have come close.  But their legs exploded.